Where there's a will???

Last Will and Testament...daunting words. Words I never thought about until I had children. Alex and I have a will but we need to change it. Lots of things have changed since we had our first will drawn up. We have had two more kids, we own a house, we have some other equity etc. There is so much to think about and consider...and it all leads you to this dark place of contemplating your death and what would happen to those you love as a result of that.

The biggest question of course is if something happens to Alex and I at the same time who would care for our children? Well the obvious answer is my mother. She is closer to them than anyone other than us and they are used to her and comfortable with her. But everyone suggests that you have secondary guardians in place in case the primary person is unable for any reason to take on the responsibility. (kind of like the first runner up in the Miss America pageant)

That's where it gets sticky...that's where you begin to look at family and friends and try and determine who would be the best for your kids. Grandma knows our philosophy and we are confident that she would continue to raise them in accordance with our values and wishes. We know Grandma would be sure that our kids grew up knowing how much we love them and that is important to us.

Of course when held up to the stringent microscope of a parent trying to determine who would raise their children in the event of their untimely demise...barely anyone measures up. How could they? No one could love my babies they way I do. The mere thought of it gives me rushes of anxiety that I can't seem to quiet. Who would I choose? No one! I don't want anyone I know raising my kids other than me. I know some great people who are (or will be) fabulous parents...for their own kids!!! But not for mine. I cannot imagine anyone else being able to navigate the intricacies of my children like I do or understanding their idiosyncrasies. Who else could know that, when putting the girls to bed, Annie likes to be kissed first and Lucy last? And that when Jack is really tired he wants to hold your hand with one of his hands and "B" with the other to fall asleep? There is no way I could ever write everything down for someone else...and I can't imagine anyone else having the passion to do all of the things that make my children's lives comforting and special and unique to them.

AHHHHHH! It is all so overwhelming to think about...it is much easier to avoid the thought altogether. Wouldn't it be nice if we could live like that avoiding all of the stuff that is overwhelming? I think I'd like it every now and again. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen anytime soon so it's back to the drawing board...back to the thoughts of who would replace us if Alex and I (and my mom) were...well you know. I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Basic Instincts

A conversation I had recently has left me thinking more and more about motherhood. At the beginning I was overwhelmed and taken aback by the all encompassing nature of motherhood. I saw everything in a new way. I am actually unable to see the world in the way I saw it before I got pregnant...u-n-a-b-l-e. It's not a process, it's not a journey...it is instantaneous and permanent. I didn't have to work at it or try hard - my world view has been altered and I have no choice. I am powerless against the life force that motherhood is.

My basic instincts have changed. My instincts are now more about my children then about myself. They are these most precious, vulnerable creatures whose innocence and wonder I am called to guard. And guard it I will...against anything that tries to harm it. I will not shelter them from the reality of life - I will walk alongside of them and lead them through it. I will not cloister them away so they never experience the pain that love and loss can bring - I will dry their tears and listen to their words, hoping that they will learn that in the midst of the difficulties they can and should trust others. I will not shield them from the consequences of mistakes by not letting them live - but I will be there to pick up the pieces and help them move on. I will not seek to protect them from the disappointment that can come in relationships - I will soothe their weary souls and direct them to Heaven in prayer to the only One who can mend a broken heart.

I can no longer think of what is best for me in any given situation. I no longer exist as just an individual. I am unique and I have my own identity but as a mother my identity is inextricably linked to the three other identities that were formed in my womb by the Creator. As they grow things will change and that is the good and right design. But for now I am the gatekeeper of their little beings and for that I'm infinitely blessed.

Cousins

Okay are these kids cute or what? This is my niece and nephew, Joe and Grace. They are the children of my little brother Jay and his wife Linda. Jay and Linda live out of state and we don't see them nearly as much as we'd like but Annie, Lucy and Jack pray for Joe and Grace each night before bed and they tell everyone about their cousins.

I was fortunate to be able to spend a decent amount of time with my cousins growing up. I cherish the times we all spent together and we do stay in touch (more or less) as adults. Thank God for the Internet! Though we aren't in the same place geographically, it is nice to have the security of extended family. I like knowing that there are people out there who I care about and that care about me...and who share a history with me. Connectedness is very important in our development as people and I think it is highly underrated. Rather than value independence and self sufficiency so much I think that we should value dependence and togetherness. I don't believe we were created for self but rather for community.

I hope my kids get to know their cousins over the years...right now there are only two of them...but we're hoping for more! Jay and Linda and Joe and Grace are a wonderful family and we love them a lot. We hope to see you all soon and we miss you lots and lots. Hugs and kisses all around!

The DNA of Motherhood

I've decided that somethings changes in the DNA of a woman when she becomes a mother. One doesn't have to give birth to be a mother...it can be through adoption, foster care etc. but something happens that changes the intrinsic make up of a woman when she becomes "mama".

This change doesn't mean you give up your identity or your goals. It doesn't mean you stay home with your kids and give up your career or that you trade reading the newspaper for "Pat the Bunny". You don't have to become a happy homemaker and love cleaning, cooking and laundry. It's not about those sorts of changes.

"Making the decision to have a child — it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone

It is about the subtle changes...they way a crying newborn makes your heart melt. It's how the word sacrifice takes on a whole new meaning. It's love strong enough to die for and gentle enough to nurture. It's dying to self in a way that no other relationship requires...and being more than okay with that.

There is no way to explain this phenomenon to those who aren't mothers. No way to try and describe for another the gigantic force that overtakes you when you behold the reality of motherhood for the first time. I guess that seems exclusive...and I don't mean for it to be that way. I have just never met someone without children who can relate in the slightest way to the feelings I have as a mother. I don't care if they are a nanny, aunt, honorary grandma, or whatever else. This isn't a shortcoming on their part, it is just reality. And with every day I am a mother I feel more and more strongly that, in a large sense, this is what I was created for. This is what God intended when he knit me together in my mother's womb. I have never felt more in the center of God's purpose for my life - and that is something I have searched for...for years and years.

@#!&^#**!

I had one of those mama bear moments today...one of those moments where your instinct to protect your child shifts into overdrive and you cannot be stopped. I was visiting the Center for Creative Play, where we have a membership. There was an "incident" in the art room where Annie was being pushed around by the mother of another child. I was there for the entire thing and waited as long as I felt comfortable before jumping in trying to straighten things out. I'll admit my claws came out a little...and I'm not sorry for that. If an adult is going to take advantage of a situation dealing with a child they deserve to be called out and corrected.

But I have to say I was so proud of my Annie. She's certainly got her share of faults but she handled herself so well today in the face of loads of unfairness and intimidation. She remained calm and polite...which made me all the more irritated by this woman. I wasn't so calm or polite by the time I got involved...but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. You mess with the bull you get the horns, know what I'm sayin?

PS - If anyone can tell me the movie that last line is from (and code of honor NO searching the net)...I'll be truly impressed.

Back to the Grind

Alex went back to work yesterday after having been on vacation since December 22nd. Nothing like a dose of reality for me in terms of managing the household and caring for the kids on my own again!!! Usually as much as I enjoy having him home, I don't like to have my routine interrupted. However this year it was a welcome change because Alex hadn't taken much vacation this year at all. But now it is back to normal and another year of Student Ministries is underway for him and for me another year of walking the labyrinth known as motherhood.

I heard a line from a movie the other day that said "motherhood is the most impossible love". I think that is so true. The love of a mother is not meant to be defined in words, which is why Hallmark falls so short. This love is the most powerful force on the planet, save the power of God. I mean I'm a lover, not a fighter but I know without a doubt that I could rip to shreds anyone who threatened my babies well being, physical or emotional.

What's even more impossible about motherhood is the job description itself. We are supposed to love and nurture and prepare our babies to be independent and leave home and spread their wings. We know we need to do it and we will...but in a sense it goes against our natural instincts to want to keep our little ones close forever and shield them from suffering and pain.

So yes, in addition to years of wiping poopy bottoms, cleaning up puke, wiping snotty noses, tempering discipline with love, keeping fingers out of outlets, and nurturing self esteem we are raising the next generation of leaders for every arena of public and private life. So with all due respect to all of the other "careers" out there; motherhood has got your butt kicked up, down and sideways.

(much love to all you working mothers...you rock!)

I love you Grandaddy

Today marks a year since my Grandfather died. I miss you Grandad and I wish you were still here. Thanks for being such a wonderful and honorable man in my life...and for teaching me invaluable lessons about strength and integrity.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year friends. May this year bring things that satisfy you...heart, body, mind and soul.