Missing Chuck

Nine years ago today, a dear friend of mine died suddenly of a heart attack. I will never be able to forget the moment I was told about it. I remember what I was wearing, the sights and sounds and smells. I remember the exact words that another friend used to tell me that Chuck was dead. And I still remember the devastation I felt, and sometimes still feel about losing someone so special in my life.

Chuck wore many hats in my life. At first he was the father of one of my best friends in high school. He was also one of my youth group leaders and became a spiritual mentor for me. Then when my parents divorced (when I was 19) he took on the role of a father figure for me. He gave advice and listened to problems; he prayed for and encouraged me to follow where God was leading; he loved me unconditionally and pushed me to do things I didn't think I could do. He believed in me and in what God was doing in my life, what a gift!

When he died I felt lost...and to be honest today, even 9 years later, there are times when I still feel that way. I had never known pain like that before and it laid me out. Nothing I did could numb it or erase it. And it wasn't pain just for me and the loss I felt but for his wife ML and his kids Robyn, Matt, and Katy...all of whom I love so much. This pain felt unending, like a black hole. I didn't know how to move forward.

In some ways life stopped that day but in many other ways it has moved on. I don't know how - but it did. Robyn has 2 more kids, Matt and Katy both got married and each have a child...I'm married with 3 kids. I remember sitting with ML on her back deck one night and telling her that all the joys in my life since Chuck died were a little bittersweet. I mean I wanted him to officiate at my wedding and baptize my children, and those things couldn't happen. I still wonder what God was thinking when he took Chuck so early and suddenly...I still wish he was here...I still miss him all the time.

So today I'm thinking of ML, Robyn & Craig & Prescott & Caleb & Megan & Isaiah, Matt & Lib & Charlie Joe, Katy & Jayson & Negley Anne. I'm sending you love and wishing you peace.

And today I'm thinking about Matt, Jayson and Jono...the original Thursday night crew. These three wonderful men helped me heal in the days, weeks and months immediately following Chuck's death. They became family to me and walked with me through some mighty dark days - all while grieving themselves. Thanks guys...you're amazing.

Finally, today I'm thinking of Chuck, trying to be thankful for his life rather than angry that he is gone. I'm trying to remember all of the things he taught me to do and to be. I still have a card that Chuck sent me and it says "Beth, you are the best. Sometimes the best have to be patient. God will be on time. Love, Chuck". God will be on time. Simple wisdom, but enduring and powerful. Thanks Chuck...love ya.