Alex and I are in a small group made up of 6 couples (including us) from our church. We met last night and in the midst of our time together we had an interesting conversation. We were talking about parenting styles and personal preferences...and that led to some people classifying themselves as rule lovers, while others...okay just me and Alex, placed themselves into the rule hater category. (big shock huh?)
I grew up in a house with a lot of rules. There were rules about how to answer the phone, how to make a bed, how to clean a room etc. I remember getting soap in my mouth for calling one of my brother's friends a "jive turkey". It was the 70's for goodness sake...that was slang in all it's perfection. For the most part I followed the rules...even though in my mind I thought they were fairly pointless. I was told to obey authority...all of the time...without question. I didn't care to rock the boat back then...but now it's my boat and I call the shots.
It's not that I don't think rules can be valuable, because I do. I believe kids work well within boundaries but I confess that I think most people's boundaries are way too strict. In the midst of our conversation last night I expressed surprise that some kids respond well to the whole "well, those are the rules" thing from their parents. One of the folks in our group made the observation that my kids are "challenging". At first I was hurt and a little mad but the more I thought about it the more glad I became.
My kids ask questions. My kids tell me when they don't think something is fair. My kids won't blindly follow anyone. My kids don't run and tell on each other or their friends. My kids (for the most part) work out the issues they have with others. My kids seem to be more concerned with people than with the rules. And for ALL of that I'm glad.
I try to teach them to be respectful...but I also tell them it is okay to disagree with people in charge. I try to tell them that when they disagree it is okay to speak up as long as they do it in a kind way whenever possible. My kids disagree with me a lot...and sometimes they are right. I'm not afraid of them disagreeing with me - I welcome it. I want them to see the world in ways that empower them to speak up. Because if they do it now and find their voice then my hope is that later in life they will use that voice to speak up for people who have no voice...even if that means breaking some set of rules society puts forth.
I wouldn't call my kids challenging - I would call them free spirits. I would say they aren't ready to fit into any one's mold of what they should be. In my world kids should be seen and heard and listened to and taken seriously. After all I'm not raising children I am raising adults and the kind of people I hope they grow up to be will question authority with respect, speak out on behalf of the oppressed, and have a ton of fun on the process.
So what are you? A rule maker or a rule breaker? A rule lover or a rule hater? And if you are also a parent how has that influenced your parenting?
Rule Maker or Rule Breaker???
Friday, June 15, 2007
Posted by Beth at 11:17 AM
Labels: Authentic Life, Family, Parenting
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5 comments:
Heather might have a different view of her upbringing, and of the success with which we implemented our ideas, but I'll risk sharing a few thoughts. :)
I would call myself a rule-minimizer. When our kids were young, I heard two basic philosophies (slightly exaggerated): (1) children are born totally depraved and have to be bludgeoned into civilized behavior, and (2) children are born innocent and holy and only need to be left free to blossom into wonderful adults. Anyone who has ever spent thirty minutes with a real child will realize how untrue both approaches are.
Children need rules, and need them consistently enforced. But too many rules leave them confused, frustrated, and unable to make their own judgments and decisions.
For me, two of the biggest rules are obedience and respectful interactions with others. "Obedience" is not a popular word, but I find it critical to a healthy parent/child relationship. Our children were taught that they could and should ask for reasons and question decisions, but the rule was, "Show me you're obeying, first -- then ask questions."
Respect is another big issue with me. I wouldn't have washed your mouth out with soap, but I would have insisted on respectful treatment of others -- and that goes double for siblings and ten-fold for parents.
Overall, though, we tried to make our children's world much more "yes" than "no," and let them be responsible for as much as they could reasonably bear. They had to brush their teeth because the consequences of not brushing them are too severe. But if they wanted to wear mis-matching clothes, well, so what?
I know this is hard to do, but you might have a one-to-one conversation with the person who said your children were challenging. It might be enlightening. What looks like a free spirit to you might look to others like an undisciplined child lacking in social skills. I'm not saying that's what your kids are -- I've barely met them -- only that more objective outsiders can provide insights that we loving mothers miss. I remember once asking a friend for any criticisms she might have of my children. To be honest, I wasn't expecting much. My kids were fantastic, and I knew it. Imagine my surprise....
Jon likes to say: lots of freedom within set boundaries, strict enforcement of those boundaries.
It is important that people respect authority because that is how God set up the world. "Pay taxes to whom taxes are due, respect to whom respect is due..." But that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask questions.
I agree with Mom's post, though now I'm really curious what the friend said about us. (:
funny side note: Jonathan brushed his teeth with softsoap the other day and said it tasted good. I did make sure he spit it out, though.
I guess also the definition should say "a few set boundaries." That came out when it seemed a lot of people were surprised at how much we let Jonathan do and yet what things we didn't let him do.
My kids are nearly grown and I have observed that kids that I thought would surely be screwed up by the way they were raised... weren't. Rules or not, love & consistency is the way.
Having said that, & I believe it, those of us with less rules may have a lot more explaining to do but there is far less arguing and far more understanding.
My first born challenged every thing we did and said and he wore us out! By kid #4 we had relaxed so much and learned to trust the kids... because they've earned our trust.
I once asked an older friend how her kids turned out so great...thinking she would enlighten me with great child-rearing details. She just said "Oh, we prayed a lot!"
There it is.
I love my blog commenters!!!
Thanks so much you wonderful women of God for your insights and thoughtfulness.
I have much to think about now!!!
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