2006 - A Personal Retrospective

2006 started out like hell. On January 3rd while I was standing next to Lucy in the ER of Children's Hospital (she had been taken there by ambulance from our pediatrician's office because of extremely low blood pressure, extremely high heart rate and low blood oxygenation) my mom called Alex's cell and told him my grandfather had just died. The experience was (and still is) so surreal that I have a hard time believing it all happened. We knew Grandad was dying and I had been able to say my goodbyes to him. I actually consider myself the lucky one because I had been afforded the great opportunity of spending a ton of time with my grandfather in the last year of his life while he lived with my mom. I got to share my life with him...and my children got to know their great-grandfather. Even now when the kids get a balloon they like to "let it go to great-grandad". That makes my heart smile and break all at once. So the whole family gathered and we remembered and celebrated the life of Jack Roche who lived for 93 wonderful years on this planet. We laughed and cried as we recalled his journey with us and we rejoiced in the knowledge that he was now reunited with his wife and son in Heaven. The first anniversary of his death is coming up fast and I still miss him. I miss his gravely voice calling me sweetheart, I miss the look of pure joy he had when he saw my kids (especially his namesake, Jack), I miss witnessing the very special relationship he had with my mom, and I miss just knowing he was there. Big sigh...

Lucy recovered from her pneumonia and we all survived a bout with the stomach flu just in time for the Steelers to win Super Bowl 40!!! I can't even begin to describe the great feeling it was to watch the city explode with pride and joy during that historic march to the big show. What a ride it was! The month of February also brought the wonderful news of my brother Bill's engagement to Monica. A summer wedding was being planned and the girls would be flower girls! I also got to take a road trip to meet my dear friend Angela. That was one of the highlights of this year for me!

The spring blasted by in an instant - I feel like I lost most of it in a fog of depression/flu/exhaustion. I was struggling to get over the death of my grandfather and it seemed as if I could not get on top of life. I was feeling pretty rotten and really really alone. Not even my relationship to God was a comfort to me at the time - I alternated between being angry at God for what I perceived as the difficulty of my life and just wanting Him to go away and leave me to myself. I no longer wanted to try and be close to God, and yet I didn't run away. I just grew complacent. But God didn't let me go, and I'm so glad.

The summer came and with that God led me to some wonderful ministry among some fantastic young women at our church. Some of it was due to our neighborhood pool and the times I spent there (all summer practically!) and part of it was due to some of them helping me out with the kids. You all know who you are...and I love you a whole lot. Being involved significantly in the lives of people other than my immediate family healed me in some real ways. I began to feel alive again and my desire to know more and more of God grew exponentially. I felt an explosion within my heart when it came to God and that has stayed with me. Annie and Lucy were flower girls in 2 weddings this summer and both of those events brought us great joy. It was nice to be with our extended family again in August for Bill's wedding - nice to be together for a happy occasion.

For the first time I can remember I was actually sorry to see summer go. I enjoyed so much the change of pace from the school year routine and I loved being out and about. But fall was upon me and it was time to dive back into homeschooling and house-stuff. Things have been going really smoothly so far and I'm happy to say that I'm enjoying life now far more that I was at this time last year.

The year has drawn to a close with the news of our great friends Bobby and Susie's engagement...and it's about time!!! I have no idea what 2007 will bring - and I'm trying not to have too many expectations. The most important lesson I learned in 2006 is that I have to embrace myself as I am today and not always live in the "someday". I don't want to waste the now with a whole lot of "someday I will be...". God is present with me now and He loves me just as I am right now. He won't love me more if I change this or that about myself...He can't love me more than He does at this moment. So I want to love me too, just as I am this very moment. Blessings for the new year friends.

2006 Christmas Letter

Christmas 2006
We missed last year’s letter we just couldn’t do it.
But we’re back this year baby! It is time to get to it.
We’re so sorry we missed you; we weren’t being lazy.
We bought a house, moved and our lives were just crazy.
Now we finally feel settled in a home of our own.
And we’re ready to share how our lives have all grown.

Annie is 6, oh my how time flies!
She is growing and changing in front of our eyes.
She rocks out in school she’s in the first grade.
In reading and math, oh the progress she’s made!
She loves to play soccer and sing in the choir and
she goes after life with an unquenchable fire.

Lucy is 4, a few months shy of 5
she’s our own queen of soul, and that ain’t no jive.
She dances, she sings and she writes her own songs
on a stage with a mic is where she belongs.
Her spirit is sweet, yet at times she’s a pip
and one flash of her smile makes your heart do a flip.

And Jack? Why he’s 2, yes it’s true, almost 3!
He is chill and relaxed and as smart as can be.
He loves jigsaw puzzles, the Veggies and Cars,
Wallace and Grommit, the moon and the stars.
But Jack has a gift that sets him apart;
he’s a wee little boy with huge happy heart.

Alex is busy with students and stuff
He’s doing great things, I cannot say enough.
He gives it his all, goes beyond and above -
I’m so proud that he is the man that I love.
The house keeps him busy, there’s so much to do,
drop by, lend a hand, there’s beer in it for you!!!

I guess that leaves me, though I do dread this part.
It’s so hard to share all of the things in my heart
My life is so blessed by the 4 lives above;
their presence surrounds me with laughter and love.
The pace of my life is busy, it’s true,
but there’s nothing on earth that I’d rather do.

There’s so much we could share from 2006,
but a few events rise to the top of the mix.
My Grandfather died and I miss him like mad
but I treasure the wonderful life that he had.
My brother got married and my friend had her twins -
now if the Steelers could rack up a couple more wins.

Oh well, I digress, the point is - life is good,
one more thing, listen up, lean in close if you would.
It's God’s love that sustains us each day of the year
and we want to proclaim so that each of you hear.
To God be the glory the honor and praise!
In our hearts, in our home it’s His song that we raise.

And now is the time when this update ends.
We’re so thankful for you, our dear family and friends.
With your love and support not a thing can compare,
and we carry that with us each day, everywhere.
Our wish for you? Peace and love and good cheer
and the blessings of God throughout the whole year.

Merry Christmas with love,
Alex, Beth, Annie, Lucy and Jack

A Little Perspective

I saw this link on another blog I read (ysmarko.com) and it blew me away. When you click on the link you are prompted to enter your yearly income and then it tells you where you rank in comparison to the world's population in terms of income. I was shocked. Suffice to say that I was in the top 2% and I don't think we make a lot of money. Here is the link, please try it out Global Rich List.

It is very eye opening to see how we rank alongside of the rest of the people on the planet. It is some much needed perspective especially during this season of buying and spending. I'm feeling humbled and so very blessed.

Distortion of Beauty

I saw this today, and I was not shocked but rather felt validated in so many things that I have always thought about how society twists real life to fit their values and purposes. I'm sure this has made the rounds before now but in case there are some of you who haven't yet seen it...

I know that teaching my children that beauty comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, and forms is going to be a battle. But I know that if I allow them to grow up with a distorted view of what is beautiful then the battle they will wage for their own self worth later in life will be much harder.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUSIE!!!

Okay, I'm cheating. Susie's birthday was yesterday but today is the day the kids and I are celebrating with her! Susie is a dear dear friend and I love her so much. She is loyal and consistent and is always willing to lend a hand when we need it. We have so much fun talking about everything under the sun from ministry to music and from relationships to MTV. Thanks for your wonderful friendship Susie, we all love you to pieces!!!

Adios Doctor Ward!!!

June 4, 2005 Annie broke her right arm. Badly. Very badly. She fell off some monkey bars and broke all three bones in her arm and just totally jacked it up. She had to be admitted to Children's Hospital and have surgery to repair the break. She was in a cast for 8 weeks that summer...and a long summer it was.

We had regular appointments with her Ortho, Dr. Tim Ward, for 6 months after the break and then last December he said he wanted to see her again in a year. We this morning at 8:30 was that appointment. (let me interject right now that I can't believe a year has gone by) There is still a bit of malformation near her elbow and he wanted to check it again.

Well Annie and her lovely arm got released from Dr. Ward today...only to be seen again if there is a problem! he agrees that there is a noticeable bump over her right elbow but says that considering the severity of her fracture, the fact that she has regained full mobility and range of motion is a huge success. I'm good with that!

I suppose if the bump bothers Annie in the future she can investigate options available to her to have something done about it . But for now I am 100% satisfied that we got the best possible treatment for our little girl! Just for good measure here is a picture of Annie right after the break occurred.

Happy Birthday Bill!!!

My older brother Bill celebrates his birthday today! He lives in Minnesota and is married to a wonderful woman, Monica! I hope you have a great day Bill! Love you!

The First Snowfall

Brrrrr! It's cold here in the 'burgh. Today the high was 30 and that was this morning early. The temperature dropped quickly and the snow began blowing. At the first sign of a flake the girls were ready to don their snow pants and boots and head out the door. They complained that it wasn't falling fast enough and asked why I couldn't do anything about it. I know someday I will long for the days when they thought I had power over everything!

Eventually there was enough snow on the ground for them to go out and play...but boy was it COLD. At that time I think it was in the low 20's with a blustery wind. (I know that now the windchill factor is 0 degrees or less) Well they lasted out back for 45 minutes with me gazing at them from the warmth of my den. With Jack napping I didn't feel comfortable being outside so the girls agreed to play on the deck...and for the most part they stayed right there except for sneaking down the steps to make snow angels...who could blame them for that?!

They came in all rosy cheeked and frozen and we went through the whole routine of getting undressed...I clearly remember the painful process of getting all done and then undone from snow attire as a child! Then I made them mugs of hot (well really just warm) chocolate with big scoops of marshmallow fluff (another of my childhood faves). We sat at the kitchen table talking about how there is supposed to be more snow tonight and maybe tomorrow we can build a snow fort or snowman. It was pure bliss for all of us.

My girls look at the snow and they see a brand new playground! A new covering for the same old ground that they see everyday...nature's extreme makeover. It is exciting and exhilarating and they have an energy that warms my heart. I love their outlook. I look at snow as an inconvenience...a hassle. It's going to cause traffic (that I don't have to drive in), it means we have to shovel (and Alex does that anyway), and well, it's just unpredictable.

Unpredictable is not my favorite. See I like to know what is coming and to be ready for it. When I was a kid, life was predictable. If it snowed, we were going to get all geared up and head out with the whole neighborhood to go sled riding. Then when we couldn't feel our hands, feet and faces anymore we would whine all the way home and my mother would make us hot chocolate with marshmallow fluff. It always happened that way.

Somehow in my journey I have lost the ability to embrace change and transition. I dread these things now and find myself anxious and grumpy when faced with a hurdle involving significant change. But maybe if I could learn to look at change the way my daughters look at snow, I could embrace it again. It would cease to be an inconvenience and begin to be an adventure...the possibility of an extreme makeover for my life.

ALL of life redeemed!

Seems fitting that I should follow up my last post with a post about how I feel God has redeemed my miserable Mama day. Today with my kids was a great one. We had a wonderful time doing all sorts of fun things.

But the picture I want to paint for you is this: tonight I took Annie up for her shower (as usual) and Lucy and Jack joined us in short order. Usually they stay downstairs with Daddy but tonight they wanted to be with us. So Annie took her shower and got dried, lotioned and dressed and in no time all three kids were on my bed with me watching Eloise.

I don't know how it started but someone blew a raspberry on my belly and then all three of them were going crazy with the same! To them it sounded like farts (okay to me too) and they thought it was the funniest thing in the world. The laughter that was ringing out was pure joy to my ears. In that moment I felt God tell me that this was HIS way of redeeming the awful day I had a few days ago. That wonderful laughter is now echoing through my ears and heart as a reminder that though I am fallen and I do make mistakes, I am also forgiven and loved with an everlasting love. To God be the glory.

Miserable Mama Day

Ick. I hate these days. Days where it seems I fail at every motherhood related task I have. I have to say that being a full time Mama is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love it more than anything else I have ever done...and I've had some jobs that I really loved...but it is so hard sometimes. A friend once said that parenthood is a long term investment and these early years are heavy on the investment end. Not that I'm looking for some sort of intangible "return" on my investment...but sometimes it is hard to go without any recognition at all that I'm doing a good job.

When I was employed outside the home I got feedback on my job. Thankfully most of the time it was overwhelmingly positive feedback (though there were times of negative as well). Now, if I am to listen to the feedback I get some days, I am a miserable Mama. I'm mean because I won't give chocolate cake for breakfast like Daddy does sometimes. I'm not fair because I let the same child sit next to me twice in a row for TV time. (who knew they kept track of that stuff?) I'm a "dummy head" because the right pajamas aren't clean. And the list goes on. Don't get me wrong, I understand that my children operate from their very limited perspective and having the pajamas they want can be very important...that isn't my point.

My point is that I selfishly want more of the cuddly "I love you Mama" moments. I get them (from at least one child everyday) but I want more of them. I want the moments of calm and peace to be more prevalent than the moments of wrestling and chaos. I have chosen not to spank my children. I know this can be a controversial topic...but to be frank, I think spanking is wrong. I cannot fathom a situation in which I would feel justified hitting my child. If my kids would reach for a outlet or a hot stove I would certainly bat their hand away but the thought of hitting my child for a tantrum, or for not listening is abhorrent to me.

Don't get me wrong...I lose my cool with my kids and I yell sometimes. I try not to yell because I got yelled at a lot as a kid and I hated it. But I do yell...some days (like today) more often that I would like to admit. But I have chosen to try and employ a model of gentle discipline with my children...believing that at it's heart discipline is meant to teach not punish. I just don't think kids have the capacity to distinguish the lesson from the punishment and therefore I don't think spanking is an effective tool. When they are older and different consequences come into play then so be it. But for now I try and allow my kids to experience the natural consequences for their actions.

For the most part this really works. Alex and I came up with 6 house rules for our family.

Listen the first time.
Hands are for helping not hurting.
Feet on the floor, not on the furniture.
Treat others as you want to be treated.
Apologize when you have done wrong.
No yelling please.

These rules apply to ALL of us, not just the kids. So when I have a day like today where I find my voice raised a lot, I also find myself apologizing a lot. This way I am forced to model for my kids the way I want them to behave...it's not an us and them thing...it's a we thing. And I'm hopeful when I hear them reminding me of the rules...it's sinking in.

Tonight the girls and I sat in their room after reading bedtime stories and talked about what went wrong today. We apologized to one another and then we held hands a prayed together for God's forgiveness. We also asked God to help us have a better day tomorrow...of course I don't think it could get much worse.

Peace.

If you Pray...

Then please pray for Nate...the husband of a friend of mine who was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma. Nate is young...29 I think and he and his wife have a 1 year old daughter. Please pray for Nate's health and that God would be very close to this family in the coming weeks and months as they wage their battle against cancer.

Though prayer confuses me at times, I do believe in it. I believe it changes us more than it changes any particular situation and that it is used to draw us closer to the Father. Please join me in praying for Nate. Thanks and peace be with you.

Winds of Change...literally!

We have been experiencing a wonderful spell of warm weather lately. Since Thanksgiving it has been in the 60's with a lot of sunshine. It has been great to be able to be outside with the kids and let them get some playtime in before the winter sets in. I've also had the windows open some to get fresh air in the house. and I love that.

But today that is all changing. We woke this morning to a temp of 65...so nice! But the clouds are rolling in and the wind is picking up. There is a high wind advisory for today and by tonight the temp is supposed to be in the 20's with snow showers!!! From one extreme to another. Tonight we are going to Light Up Night in our little borough, so I guess it is good that it's cooling down. I do find it hard to get "into" the holiday spirit when it is warm outside. So we'll walk down to a little park here and watch as they light the HUGE evergreen tree and the Santa will make an appearance on a fire truck and hand out candy canes. The kids will love it and then we can walk home and snuggle in from the cold.

Lately some friend sand I have been talking about the whole idea of Santa and whether to tell your kids about him. I'm not talking about this from a Christian perspective (that is an whole other post) but rather from the perspective of what some people consider to be lying to your children. I suppose in a very technical and legalistic sense perpetuating the myth of Santa is lying, but I have never seen it that way. I loved the magic of Santa as a child and I remember so many fun times huddling under the cover with my brothers on Christmas Eve and being SURE we heard the tapping of reindeer hooves on the roof. We tried to be as quiet as we could because everyone knows Santa won't come unless you are asleep! In our family not only did Santa bring presents but he also decorated the tree. So we went to bed on Christmas Eve with an undecorated tree and no gifts and woke up in the morning to a beautifully decorated tree and a room teeming with presents. It was thrilling to run down the stairs to see what Santa had done.

As we each came to know that Santa was really my parents we got to join in on the decorating and enjoy watching the surprise on the faces of the remaining believers! I can remember vividly when my younger brother realized that Santa was my mom and dad...I think I was more upset than anyone! I was sad that this era was over...some of the magic disappeared. But I was never angry at my parents or felt as if I couldn't trust them because of Santa. On the contrary, I appreciated all of the effort they gave so that we could have a magical experience of Christmas. And in the midst of it all we knelt around our Advent wreath every night and prayed, calling to mind the real reason for our celebration. There was balance between love and magic and reverence, it was wonderful.

So while I respect the right of every parent to make the choice regarding Santa that is best for their family I want to say thanks to my mom and dad for the wonder of Santa I experienced as a child. I loved it and hope to pass that magic onto my kids.