I'm Alive!

I know it has been a long time! I have heard from many of you, my faithful readers, asking why I haven't been writing lately. Well time is scarce for 2 reasons.

One - Wyatt! He takes up a lot of our time - and it is a joy! I just don't have as much flexibility as I once did to get to the computer and blog! I usually hop on for a quick email check and that is about it!

Two - we are moving in 2 weeks! we are packing up and heading back within the city limits. This will give us greater flexibility with regards to children's future education and it puts us closer to lots of things we desire to be closer to.

Wyatt was baptized last Sunday on Mother's day! It was beautiful and whenever I get the pictures off of my camera (the cord is packed right now!) I will post them.

I have lots I want to blog about...topics ranging from ingredients in vaccines to California legalizing gay marriage. I'm sure you could spend many minutes imagining what my viewpoints are on those matters! I'll be back soon...

Celebrating Zachary and Ethan

On January 6th of last year my dear friend Sarah gave birth to twin boys, Zachary and Ethan. They were born at 28 weeks gestation (normal is 40 weeks) due to the fact that the bag of waters around Ethan had been leaking for 10 weeks. Sarah endured a lot in those 10 weeks including bed rest and a 4 week hospitalization. Both boys were very small when they were born and rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit of the hospital where they were attended to by their mom and dad as well as some of the most gifted doctors and nurses in the city.

Sadly, the struggle for life was just too much for little Ethan and he passed a way on January 7, 2007...one year ago.

Zachary has thrived - he is a normally developing one year old who has the most amazing eyes you've ever seen. His mom calls him a superstar and that title is so very accurate for this little man. He is a wonderful child. Yesterday we joined in the celebration of Zachary's first year. Their house was filled with people who love Zack and were eager to party in honor of his birthday.

Then today, with a smaller group we joined in on the celebration of Ethan. We went to a local park and after Sarah and her mom read a Jewish prayer of mourning in Hebrew balloons were released. Even the weather was perfect...it was warm and cloudy with some peeks of blue in the sky. It seemed to be saying that it understood what was going on. Zack held onto the balloons with his mom and dad and when they said so he let go and then we all watched as they soared into the heavens...a birthday present for an angel baby who was with us for far too short a time.

Happy Birthday to the little superstar, Zack and also to his angel brother, Ethan.

Unbelievable

Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Cheaters Patriots, is having an unbelievable season. In the first nine games of the season he has 33 touchdowns - the NFL record for an entire season is 43 - and he is on par to have 60 by season's end. He seems unstoppable and pretty close to perfect.

I have a theory on this - and it is a bold one so hold onto your hats. Tom Brady made a pact with the devil. There, I said it. I just cannot believe anyone could be that good on his own - not to mention the supermodel he is dating. Come on, things like that just don;t happen without supernatural intervention and if God was interested in helping a football team we ALL know it would be the Steelers. Therefore I conclude that Tom Brady has made a pact with the devil. We'll see how it all plays out but I'm warning you now...that guy is just a little evil so be careful if he is on your fantasy team.

Soccer and Life

Today was the girls second to last soccer game. They play on a local team and Alex is their coach. They have been doing really well all season but today they lost 7-0. As I sat around listening to them after the game I had to laugh. They were exclaiming very loudly "they got seven and we had ZERO...can you believe it ZERO". While most of the kids were fairly unfazed by it all one little boy was taking it very hard. Alex sat on the grass and talked to him about it, listening to his feelings and reassuring him that the most important things was that he did his best and had fun. He seemed a bit bolstered by this but not totally convinced of the merits of Alex's pep talk.

I can relate to that...sometimes when life beats me up 7-0 I am more than a little cranky. And it helps a little to know that I tried hard but in reality I still feel like road kill. I feel flattened and fatigued and discouraged...probably how the little boy felt to a certain extent. Lucy, who is usually pumped up after a soccer game (read: win) fell asleep on the way to the waterfront...I could tell the game had worn her out rather than invigorate her.

Losing is hard work! What is important is learning how to lose gracefully and not to let losing take the wind out of your sails for too long...and I hope that all of those kids today have already forgotten about the beating they took and are looking forward to next week!

I'm It! Good Things...

I was "tagged" on my dear friend Liz's blog to list some GOOD THINGS in life right now. I've never been tagged before, so thanks Liz, this is fun!

Good Things

*Teeny Tiny Baby Movements - I'm beginning to feel those little popcorn popping movements inside my belly every now and again. It's undeniably the little one growing inside of me and it fills me with awe and wonder each time I feel it.

*The Aroma of Yummy Things Coming from the Crockpot - I love using my crockpot. It makes life so much easier to know that a big portion of our family meal is cooking and that at convergence of chaos that is the dinner hour I won't have as much to do. Plus the entire house fills with the smells of whatever is cooking.

*Pajama Days - This past Saturday we found out early on that the girls soccer game had been cancelled and we ended up staying in our pajamas ALL day. We ate lunch together, the kids played board games, Alex got a bunch of things done around the house, and I napped in the couch! When we bathed, which was late in the day, we all put clean pajamas right back on! It was so great to be home all day and be in relaxation mode!

*Listening to Annie Read - I love hearing Annie read and discover new things about life and the world around her. She is reading really well and loves chapter books now. It is my hope that she will develop a passion for reading.

*Seeing the Budding Friendship Between Lucy and Jack - Lucy and Jack are both extremely imaginative children who can sit a play with toys for a long time. Recently they have begun playing together and it is a joy to listen to them create magical worlds together. They also love board games - and even though they don't always follow the rules they have a blast!!!

*Walking Together - Alex and I have been married 8.5 years and I feel like right now we are walking together...in step with one another in ways we have never before. There is a clarity and a sense of being in sync and it is a wonderful place to be. It's not exciting or thrilling or a make your stomach flip with giddiness - it is solid and enduring and comforting. I'm thankful...

We Will Never Forget

Telephone Pole Wisdom

My kids love reading flyers on telephone poles. Recently there were flyers plastered all over our neighborhood about Rufus, a cat that had gone missing. We actually met and talked to his owner one evening as she was combing the streets looking for the little beast who had managed to escape from his home. A few days later we saw more flyers expressing gratitude because Rufus had been found! We breathed a collective sigh of relief (the girls because the frisky feline had been caught...and Alex and I because we wouldn't have to hear about Rufus 24/7 any longer!). The relief was short lived though, within 10 days there was yet a third set of flyers saying Rufus (apparently the Houdini of cats) had disappeared again. Thankfully, even the girls were growing tired of the saga and lost interest in Rufus and his plight. We haven't heard anything more about the little guy...so either he is still lost or his owners have maxed out their xerox budget for the year.

One evening as we were walking around reading the Rufus flyers one of the kids commented about all of the staples on the telephone pole. As I walked by I saw them...literally thousands of staples all over the pole. I found myself wondering about all of the signs that must have decorated the pole and all of the people who put them there. Signs no doubt for missing animals, yard sales, no parking, and Penelope's baby shower. Signposts that lead us somewhere, give us direction, seek to find what is lost and on and on. Little pieces of life stuck to a wooden tower.

So the signs get ripped down to make room for new ones, but the staples remain. A little scrap of metal left to testify that Rufus was lost, found and lost again. That 65 Elm street had a "monster" yard sale with "baby items, furniture and knick knacks". That the police department says you cannot park here from midnight until noon for the community day parade. Little bits of metal that represent people's lives - left on that pole for how long? Who knows?

I wonder what sort of marks are left on my life by events and people? Of course some are quite obvious but others not so much. What sorts of things shape us and give texture to our person? Marks that transform us from a smooth wooden tower into a monument to humanity. Little bits of people and experiences that hang on after the people are gone and the experiences are over.

What are those things in your life?

True Confessions

I've been telling myself for years now that, politically speaking, I am a moderate. I have known for a long time that the word Republican found on my voter ID card no longer fits me. I'm not ashamed of that word or of many of the positions I used to hold...I view my life as a journey and a process and my personal political awakening has been an important part of that. While I do think that both mainstream parties in America have good things to say, I have to admit I'm no longer a moderate. I'm a democrat - tried and true. That isn't to say I agree with everything in the Democratic party's platform - there are several areas where the platform and I diverge...but I can no longer ruin and hide from the fact that I'm much more liberal than conservative in a political sense. If you want the specifics of how that plays out for me on the issues then feel free to ask.

One thing I can say without reservation is that I am one million percent against the war in Iraq. Before I go any further I want to be sure you understand that I support the people who are fighting this war...I support the troops and their families. I also love the USA and am tremendously grateful to live here and have the freedom my citizenship affords me. However, this war is based on lies and deception and has been from the beginning. I feel crushed under the weight of the reports of our soldiers and innocent Iraqis being killed every single day. I am grieved to see and hear the parents, wives and children of our fallen heroes as they wonder why. I wonder why as well. Why are we there? Why are people dying? Why aren't we getting Osama Bin Laden?

This is no longer about 9/11/2001. We aren't supposed to be the world's police force. We have become the bully on the grade school playground. In the next election please don't let yourself be swayed by pictures of 9/11. They will pull on all of our heartstrings...that was a terrible day and the people who orchestrated it should be hunted down and held responsible. But that is not what is happening in Iraq. I hated Saddam Hussein...and I am glad he is no longer in power. But I am not sure his capture and death was worth the devastation we have wrought in that country.

Here is a song by Pink called Dear Mr. President. It is harsh in some places - harsher than I would be...but there are some though provoking and meaningful sentiments in it as well. Please listen and don't allow your ideology to get in the way.

And please pray for peace.

What a Difference a Week Makes

It was one week ago that Jack got sick. He is almost all the way better today and seeming more and more like himself. So now I just need to fatten him up a bit (he probably lost 3 or 4 pounds throughout the ordeal) and we should be all set.

I have spent a lot of time thinking this week...at first becasue I was sitting in the hospital and then because we stuck close to home and kept life very low key to aid in recovery...thinking about life and death and how we have so little control over any of it. It is amazing to me how a child (or anyone really) can seem so healthy and strong one hour and the next be so fragile and sick. When Jack first got sick something in my gut (aka. mother's intuition) told me that he was really sick. Because I am a worrier by nature I tried not to say anything...my worry has become somewhat of a legend in my family...but finally at 3 in the morning I just blurted out "I think something is really wrong". I called the Pediatrician and we were sent to the ER. Jack got 900ml of fluids (which is a HECK of a lot for a kid his size) and even with that he never wet his diaper or perked up. I must have asked about that 5 times before we left and was assured he would be fine. WRONG. I knew he was still sick...I knew in my gut we would end up back there, but I knew he was well enough to go home for the night. I knew we had a doctor's appt the next morning...and I trust my pediatrician implicitly.

Because I worry and because that worry has negatively impacted my life throughout the years, I have learned to not listen to myself. What an awful thing. My gut feelings are very rarely wrong...and I have to listen to them more than I do because I believe that is how God chooses to speak to me. I'm going to start listening because God is reliable and can be counted on.


So no, we cannot control much of what happens in this life but if we can learn to listen for God - in the ways He speaks to us - we can find peace and hopefully leave the worry behind.

What are YOU thankful for?

I can hardly believe that Thanksgiving is less than a week away. What in the world? Every year I try to think back over the last year and count my blessings so to speak. Then I try and figure out what I am most thankful for and if it is a person, I try and tell them so. I have found this exercise to be an important investment of my time because it focuses me on the ways God has blessed my life and it helps me to head into the busy holiday season in the right frame of mind.

So what am I thankful for this year???

1. My women's Bible study group
I have had really negative experiences in the past with women's groups...but this group at our church has been so amazing. There are women in different stages of life who have so much wisdom to offer one another and they are REAL. They are willing to share their lives, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I appreciate them so much.

2. Bill and Monica's wedding
My brother, Bill, got married this summer to a wonderful woman, Monica. Their wedding was a simple and lovely affair and my heart was so happy seeing them give their lives to one another. They are such a good match and I'm excited to see where life takes them.

3. Lisa and Ron's twins
I wrote in an earlier post about the joy I felt when my friends, Lisa and Ron, had their twins. My heart continues to be filled with joy as this family settles in and gets to know one another. I don't think I ever realized it was possible to feel SO happy for another until this happened.

4. My Dad
After my parents split up my dad and I had a very strained relationship...and in fact no relationship at all for many many years. But after Annie was born 6 years ago we reconnected and that has proven to be a wonderful thing for me and my family. I'm grateful to God for the redemption he has given in this relationship and I love you Dad!

5. My beautiful babies
My three kids are so precious and dear to me. They have shaped my life in ways that I don't even begin to understand.

6. Alex
I'm sure that everyone thinks I have to say my husband...but I don't...and I haven't always been as thankful for him as I am this year. Alex, is pulled in a lot of different directions and yet he really tries to make God and his family his top priority. He is working on lots of things to make our lives better and I am so grateful for that.

7. My Dinner Girls
You guys rock and I love you.

8. Our Home
Even thought the heating bills are killing us, I love it.

9. Mom
My mom has stood by me for so many years and watched me make choices she agreed with and ones she didn't agree with. Regardless she has loved me and supported me and taught me much about love. This is the first Thanksgiving in my 36 years that I wont' spend with her (she is going to St. Paul to be with Bill and Monica!). I'll miss you mom and I love you.

10. Angela
This year I'm most thankful for my friend, Angela. I met Angela online through a message board and she has become a more dear friend than I ever imagined. I went to visit her (in Virginia) in February and it felt like we had known each other forever. She is like me in so many ways and yet different too. She and I share an abiding faith in Jesus Christ and a love of being a mother that draws us together on a variety of levels. This year, Angela's son was diagnosed with Autism and that has been a very difficult journey. Therapy, dietary changes, doctors, tests, fights with the schools, conferences, hours of reading and research. My head spins just thinking about it. In the midst of it all, Angela found out she is pregnant with a little girl! What a gift! I know I wouldn't be able to handle it all but if there is anyone who can it is Angela. She is an amazing woman and I am so blessed to call her friend. I love you Angela and thank you for being such a wonderful friend. You are what my heart is most thankful for this year.

Escaping the Holiday Labryinth

With the holidays being jammed down our throats earlier and earlier each year I find myself more and more stressed about getting everything done in order to "enjoy" the season. Cards (which I missed last year), gifts, baking, decorating...it gets to be a bit overwhelming. I start out in the right frame of mind; thinking what gets done, gets done and what doesn't, doesn't. But before long I fall into that familiar trap of being too busy and pushed to enjoy anything I'm doing.

Well, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf this year. I'm trying to look at the holidays as THE gift and trying to escape the maze. Have you ever seen those experiments where they put mice in one end of a maze and cheese at the other? The poor little mouse can smell the cheese but has to figure out how to navigate through the maze to get to it. The helpless creature is constantly banging into walls and retracing its' steps to get it right. All for some lame piece of cheese it is almost too exhausted to eat at the finish line.

I am that mouse. And coming off as the quintessential wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, hostess, communicator, gift giver, and cook is the cheese. So I work myself into a frenzy trying to transform my mouse into a super-model and I keep banging my heads against walls and never get to enjoy the real spirit of the season.

The only part of my identity that REALLY matters is that of Beth, the beloved disciple of Jesus Christ...child of the one true God. My worth and comfort have to come from that or else they really don't exist. I can pretty the house up, bake yummy cookies, write the best Christmas letter ever, buy everyone on my list the perfect gift and still miss the mark by a long shot.

On a day in Bethlehem long ago when a baby breathed it's first breath in the cool night air, everything changed. This year, I want to remember that. I want to remember the sacrifice that we celebrate at Christmas. And one of the ways I intend to do that is by giving some Alternative Christmas Gifts . This link will take you to World Vision's gift catalog page where you can be a part of something way bigger that the 10th anniversary of Tickle Me Elmo. You can (for not too much money) buy a share in a well that will bring clean drinking water to an entire village. You can buy a share of cattle that will provide a family with a way to make money. You can provide medication for a child orphaned by AIDS...and on and on.

Please consider doing this for at least one gift on your list this year. The big corporate toy makers won't really miss your money that much and the difference you can make in the lives of people around the world is immeasurable.

Peace.

Dogs, noses, and leaves!

Okay I admit it, my title is more than a bit strange. But those are the things on my mind these days.

1. We got a dog! We rescued a beagle...her name is Lilo (as in Lilo and Stitch). Quit laughing! Her name was Lulu but we call Lucy that so we had to change it and we wanted it to be somewhat similar. We were throwing around Lila, Layla, Lola etc and the girls decided that it HAD to be Lilo. Eh, it seemed like an easy one to let them have their way on. Lilo is a very good and mellow dog so far. I walk her every morning and the kids "love" on her. (in fact Jack has tried to ride her like a horse - yikes) The adjustment has been relatively easy and we are keeping our fingers crossed that it stays that way.

2. I finally got my nose pierced. Some of you are now rolling your eyes...and roll away. I know it is not everyone's cup of tea (sorry Mom!) and I'm okay with that. It is actually something I have wanted to do for years and I finally mustered up the courage to do it. I really like it (except for when I rubbed my nose really hard in my sleep - ouch!). Annie and Lucy think it's "cool" and Alex and I had the whole conversation about what if they wanted to do the same thing as teenagers. While I could throw down the whole "I waited until I was 36" card, I don't think I will. If it is something they really want to do then we will talk about it with them and see where that leads us. Anyway, I can't stop staring at it in the mirror...it's super fun.

3. Alex spent almost all day in the yard today raking, blowing and bagging leaves. It was sunny and warm so the kids spent most of the day out there with him and loved it. There probably won't be many more outside days before real winter hits so it was great for them to be able to run around and get some energy out.

As the last of the leaves fall from the trees I begin to dread just a bit the coming winter months. It can be so gray here in Pittsburgh and I have to admit it depresses me somewhat. When there is a seemingly endless string of gray days I feel my mood go south and my smile gets lost in the bleakness of the winter season. I wish I knew how to escape the winter blues besides going to a sunny place for weeks and weeks. Any advice out there in the bolgosphere would be appreciated!

Embracing the Quiet

As a professional Mama of three active and energetic kids I don't often get to experience quiet. It seems as if there is always some sort of noise in my life. Mostly I love the noise, even the crying and arguing that goes on between the kidlets. I find it comforting to embrace the noise because it keeps me grounded in the now. It is far too easy for me to become nostalgic for the past or anxious about the future; but the noise in my life wakes me up to the reality of the present.

To be frank, quiet can sometimes really intimidate me. It feels so empty and big. But I know that I need quiet...I need it for my soul to be nourished and for my spirit to mature. Maturing the spiritual side often is synonymous with hard times...we seem to grow more through difficulties. I don't get that about human beings and I wish I could find a way to real and deep growth through joyful things. But I know that the times when I have grown the most have been when I have been broken...when I have been in need of something far greater than myself or anyone else on this earth could offer me. In those moments, when I cry out to God, when my dependence is on Him alone, I always learn something about God and myself. Maybe it is about God's grace and my selfishness, or maybe His forgiveness and my stubbornness. Whatever it may be is a gift...a gift born out of the unconditional love of God for ME.

No one has ever or will ever love me like God does. I don't have to worry about measuring up...I don't have to wonder if the choices I make about how I live or parent are going to embarrass or disappoint Him...and I don't ever have to earn His love...it's just always there in a unending stream.

So in the moments where I do have quiet I need to not fill it. Filling it might make me feel better for the moment but I know that what I need is a face to face encounter with the God of the universe who made me, knows me inside and out, and loves me with a passion unmatched. I hope for quiet today for me and for you.

A wanna curl up and sleep all day kind of day...

It is raining today...and it is a chilly 50 degrees. This is the kind of day I want to curl up in my down comforter and sleep as much as possible. Think my kids would go for spending the day in bed? HA!

Instead I have to clean out a closet, clean out some shelves, and do laundry. Ah laundry, the bane of my existence on this earth. 5 people make for a lot of laundry. I can remember growing up we had a laundry chute...and my mom must have hated laundry as much as I do because that sucker used to get backed up from the basement to the second floor!!! Maybe a laundry aversion is genetic? I'll go with that.

Maybe the girls and I will bake cookies later...I love for the house to smell good and those "air fresheners" are soooo nasty smelling. Nothing smells as good as either bread baking or chocolate chip cookies. Yum!

I find myself thinking more and more about people without homes as the weather gets colder and wetter. I think I can soothe myself in thinking that the homeless can manage better in the warmer months...when in reality homelessness in July is really no better than it is in January. But I am thinking more about these issues and praying for the people who are on the front lines dealing with these issues. It is so hard to just be one person sometimes. I wish I had more of me to go around so that I could have a greater influence in so many of the things that are on my heart. It is a hard lesson to learn that we are limited in our abilities...and yet not allow that to become an excuse for inaction. It is easy to become overwhelmed and then to assume that there are others who can take care of all of the problems. But we can't pass the buck eternally.

I think that it is wise to sit down and determine how much time you have to give...and be realistic. Right now, with my kids the ages they are, I don't have as much time as I might in a few more years. But determine how much time you have and where your priorities lie and then DO SOMETHING! Have influence in your sphere of life...let your voice be heard...get your hands dirty...invest in people and organizations that are doing the work you are committed to.

And for the love of all that is good, don't just write a check. I mean financial giving is needed and we should all give of our monetary resources...but too often writing a check becomes a substitution for getting personally involved. Giving money doesn't absolve us of our responsibility to participate tangibly in making the world a better place to live. So give and give generously of your money and time...it will never be a bad investment of either. Peace.

Lucy and Big Ben

Lucy, my 4 and a half year old, is IN LOVE with Ben Roethlisberger, the QB for the Pittsburgh Steelers! She has loved Steelers football since she was a baby and she has loved Big Ben since the first time she saw him play. She has a #7 jersey that she would wear non-stop if I would let her and she calls Ben her boyfriend. Ben is just over 20 years older than Lucy, think he would wait for her? She wants to invite him to her birthday party and send him a valentine. It is a really sweet little crush she has. When she wakes up after there has been a nighttime Steelers game she always asks how Ben did and if they lost she wants to know if he felt sad.

Last year when the Steelers made their incredible run to win the Super Bowl we took the kids to both the Pep Rally before the big show and the Victory Parade a few days later. For the parade we were in downtown Pittsburgh with 250,000 of the Steelers faithful thanking our team for the amazing season they had topped off with a world championship. It was amazing...people of all races, creeds, ethnicities, political parties, sexual orientations and on and on gathered with a common goal...celebrating a football team and the Lombardi trophy. It may sound silly to some but I felt such a sense of community with everyone there. It was a powerful things to be united with that many people all pursuing the same goal. Nothing was going to stop us from doing what we came to do.

I have gone back to that feeling so many times when I think about the state of the Christian church in America. We are so splintered and broken. Rather than allowing our commonalities to bring us together we choose to let our differences separate us. It is really sad because we are so much weaker when divided. I know that some will disagree with me...and I'm okay with that. I'm not talking about watering down the message of Jesus or fundamentally changing the theology of the Church (universal)...please hear that. But I am talking about majoring in the major things rather than the minor ones. I'm tired of the conservative church throwing up issues as smokescreens so they don't have to get along with their less conservatives brothers and sisters. I'm tired of the liberal church doing things for shock value to avoid getting along with their less liberal Christian family.

In families we have to have the hard conversations and in the family of God we are often afraid to have those hard discussions. So we agree to disagree and try to move forward, but really we are stuck in the same place where people have been stuck for generations. We don't really like one another and the lip service we give to "loving all God's people" is a load of crap.

While at the Victory Parade I wondered what it would be like to be with a quarter of a million people all cheering for Jesus, thanking Jesus for what he has done, and feeling unified by our love for God. I wondered what it would be like if we could all take down our defenses and set aside our differences and remember that Jesus loves us ALL and He died and rose again for us ALL. If we could, even for a moment, lay aside all of our differences and focus on worshipping God and serving him together it is hard to imagine all we could accomplish.

Missing Chuck

Nine years ago today, a dear friend of mine died suddenly of a heart attack. I will never be able to forget the moment I was told about it. I remember what I was wearing, the sights and sounds and smells. I remember the exact words that another friend used to tell me that Chuck was dead. And I still remember the devastation I felt, and sometimes still feel about losing someone so special in my life.

Chuck wore many hats in my life. At first he was the father of one of my best friends in high school. He was also one of my youth group leaders and became a spiritual mentor for me. Then when my parents divorced (when I was 19) he took on the role of a father figure for me. He gave advice and listened to problems; he prayed for and encouraged me to follow where God was leading; he loved me unconditionally and pushed me to do things I didn't think I could do. He believed in me and in what God was doing in my life, what a gift!

When he died I felt lost...and to be honest today, even 9 years later, there are times when I still feel that way. I had never known pain like that before and it laid me out. Nothing I did could numb it or erase it. And it wasn't pain just for me and the loss I felt but for his wife ML and his kids Robyn, Matt, and Katy...all of whom I love so much. This pain felt unending, like a black hole. I didn't know how to move forward.

In some ways life stopped that day but in many other ways it has moved on. I don't know how - but it did. Robyn has 2 more kids, Matt and Katy both got married and each have a child...I'm married with 3 kids. I remember sitting with ML on her back deck one night and telling her that all the joys in my life since Chuck died were a little bittersweet. I mean I wanted him to officiate at my wedding and baptize my children, and those things couldn't happen. I still wonder what God was thinking when he took Chuck so early and suddenly...I still wish he was here...I still miss him all the time.

So today I'm thinking of ML, Robyn & Craig & Prescott & Caleb & Megan & Isaiah, Matt & Lib & Charlie Joe, Katy & Jayson & Negley Anne. I'm sending you love and wishing you peace.

And today I'm thinking about Matt, Jayson and Jono...the original Thursday night crew. These three wonderful men helped me heal in the days, weeks and months immediately following Chuck's death. They became family to me and walked with me through some mighty dark days - all while grieving themselves. Thanks guys...you're amazing.

Finally, today I'm thinking of Chuck, trying to be thankful for his life rather than angry that he is gone. I'm trying to remember all of the things he taught me to do and to be. I still have a card that Chuck sent me and it says "Beth, you are the best. Sometimes the best have to be patient. God will be on time. Love, Chuck". God will be on time. Simple wisdom, but enduring and powerful. Thanks Chuck...love ya.