40 Favorite Things

In honor of my 40th birthday here is a list of 40 of my favorite things (in no particular order).

1. ice cold diet coke from a can
2. the warm breeze of spring after a cold winter
3. the sleepy snuggles with a toddler after a nap
4. the heart swelling pride when my children accomplish something
5. holding hands
6. feeling the safety of love
7. fried cheese sticks with marinara
8. gin and tonics on Friday nights at the pool
9. hearing little voices having serious conversations
10. friends who are real and forever
11. mad mex
12. Pittsburgh
13. the quiet that comes with a big snowfall
14. days off of school
15. the look on a child's face when they see something amazing for the first time
16. deep long laughter
17. having both sons and daughters
18. football
19. dancing
20. my kids' school
21. my wedding day
22. knitting
23. the feeling of warm sand under my feet
24. playing the kevin bacon game on car trips
25. being involved in things that make the world a better place
26. writing
27. recycling
28. new pajamas on Christmas Eve
29. the smell of sunscreen
30. my wonderful amazing miraculous children
31. soft kisses
32. down comforters
33. fires in the fireplace
34. boardgames
35. living in the city
36. alex
37. falling asleep
38. the sound of the ocean
39. polka dots
40. me, myself and I

40

I turned 40 last week...it's been a strange time. Truth be told I've always thought 40 sounded really old, like REALLY old. And I don't feel old at all - not one tiny bit. I am having a hard time reconciling the way I feel and the me I see in the bathroom mirror every morning with that number...40. It seems impossible.

People who are 40 are supposed to know more than I do about life, aren't they? It seems to me that by the time you have lived on this giant ball we call Earth for 14,600+ days you should know a little more than I do. I find myself changing more now that I did in my 20's. Back then I was so sure about everything - my views were as hard as stone and I was immoveable from my staunchly held positions. Now I'm sure of almost nothing and my views have changed in ways I wouldn't have predicted in a million years. 40 is surprising that way.

People who are 40 are supposed to have some sort of plan for the future right? Some thoughts of what to do when the kids are all in school and grown. Some inclination of what they want to be when they grow up or where they want to retire when the time comes. Well I have a different thought almost each and every day on those topics - and, well I have no clear picture of any of it. 40 is confusing that way.

And people who are 40, well aren't they supposed to have it together? Aren't they supposed to be firmly planted with roots growing deep? If so then why do I have all of these wild thoughts about pulling up my roots and going somewhere to do something radical with my family and our lives? What would that mean and how would it end up? 40 is life-changing that way.

The Dream Lives On

Two years ago, Alex made this video to show at youth group. It is powerful and moving. I hope you'll take the time to watch it. How great that Inauguration Day is tomorrow - the day after we remember Dr. King and his legacy.

Alternative Holidays

Alex and I have been doing some talking lately about how, as our kids grow up we want to impart some different values about Christmas to them. Thankfully, we are living in a time where lots of resources exist to help us out. I thought I'd share some of them with you.

For a different take on Advent, check out Advent Conspiracy. It's chock full of ideas for how to spend the time leading up to Christmas focusing on the gift of Jesus rather than material gifts. It's is definitely suited for older kids but can still offer good ideas for families with younger ones.

For some alternative Christmas gifts, head on over to one of the following:

The Heifer Project

World Vision

Trees For Life

Church World Service

Changing The Present

Well that should get us started! It can be hard to turn the tide, I know that all too well. But it is a worthy endeavor and one that I believe honors the birth of Christ in a very authentic way.

Peace friends.

Thankful

Last year I made a list of the 10 things I was most grateful for at that time. I really think it helped put me in a good frame of mind as we raced headlong into the crazed holiday season so I'm doing it again! Enjoy...

1. Only 425 Days Left - In the Bush Presidency. For that I'm truly thankful!

2. Our Small Group - Last March we began meeting with a wonderful group of adults from our church. It has been a rich and fulfilling process and I am so grateful for these friends.

3. Bobby and Susie's Wedding - It was such a joy to watch our dear friends join their lives together this October...and a true honor to be a part of their special day.

4. The Pool - I love being able to go to the pool everyday in the summer. The kids love it and their swimming has really improved. It is so wonderful to get outside and soak up the sun and splash around in the water!

5. Mom's Retirement - After many years of working hard my mom retired last week! I'm so happy for her and can't think of anyone who deserves to enjoy retirement more than she does. I'm looking forward to a more energetic and less stressed mom and grandma who can spend lots of time with us!

6. My friend Anne - I've become good friends with Anne - who has been in the states with her family for a few months before they head back to Africa (where they live full time) at the end of the year. Though I'm already sad that she is leaving, I'm confident that this is a lifelong friendship.

7. God's AMAZING Grace - There have been several times this year when I have been in need of amazing grace...and God has never let me down. I'm thankful that He has placed people in my life who have shown me the limitless nature of grace.

8. Spiritual Direction - Another huge blessing has come in the form of Jeanne, my spiritual director. Our monthly meetings have opened my eyes and blessed my heart.

9. My Family - As the mom, I have a chance to sometimes take a step back and watch my family and I'm in awe of them. I love learning more and more about each of them and watching as God develops in them wonderful hearts. Alex, Annie, Lucy and Jack are real touchstones for God in my life.

10. New Life - I'm most thankful for this new life growing inside of me. I really didn't imagine a year ago that I would be pregnant now...as much as we talked about 4 kids, I think we both thought we were done at 3. But I cannot imagine life without this promise, this blessing, this gift.

NaBloPoMo Dropout

I just couldn't hack it. With family in town since last Saturday and busy days planned all the way through turkey day I had to let some things go and blogging was one of them. Really, I wish that this post everyday for a month contest was not in a month with a major holiday...not to mention it is during football season. :)

So I'm a NaBloPoMo dropout...no shame in that. I could dropout of a lot more major things than that.

Be on the lookout for my list of things I'm most thankful for...hopefully tonight or tomorrow.

Oops I Did It Again!

I missed yesterday...some days are just too busy for blogging and I have to accept that my life is in a season where I may not be able to blog everyday for a month straight. I don't like that fact but it is what it is.

Just briefly stopping in this Sunday morning to say hi and to wish my sister in law Monica a Happy Birthday! we love you Monica!

OB appointment tomorrow morning - so look for an update later in the day!

I'm It! Good Things...

I was "tagged" on my dear friend Liz's blog to list some GOOD THINGS in life right now. I've never been tagged before, so thanks Liz, this is fun!

Good Things

*Teeny Tiny Baby Movements - I'm beginning to feel those little popcorn popping movements inside my belly every now and again. It's undeniably the little one growing inside of me and it fills me with awe and wonder each time I feel it.

*The Aroma of Yummy Things Coming from the Crockpot - I love using my crockpot. It makes life so much easier to know that a big portion of our family meal is cooking and that at convergence of chaos that is the dinner hour I won't have as much to do. Plus the entire house fills with the smells of whatever is cooking.

*Pajama Days - This past Saturday we found out early on that the girls soccer game had been cancelled and we ended up staying in our pajamas ALL day. We ate lunch together, the kids played board games, Alex got a bunch of things done around the house, and I napped in the couch! When we bathed, which was late in the day, we all put clean pajamas right back on! It was so great to be home all day and be in relaxation mode!

*Listening to Annie Read - I love hearing Annie read and discover new things about life and the world around her. She is reading really well and loves chapter books now. It is my hope that she will develop a passion for reading.

*Seeing the Budding Friendship Between Lucy and Jack - Lucy and Jack are both extremely imaginative children who can sit a play with toys for a long time. Recently they have begun playing together and it is a joy to listen to them create magical worlds together. They also love board games - and even though they don't always follow the rules they have a blast!!!

*Walking Together - Alex and I have been married 8.5 years and I feel like right now we are walking together...in step with one another in ways we have never before. There is a clarity and a sense of being in sync and it is a wonderful place to be. It's not exciting or thrilling or a make your stomach flip with giddiness - it is solid and enduring and comforting. I'm thankful...

A Decade

10 Years. 120 Months. 520 Weeks. 3,650 Days. 876,000 Hours. 5,256,000 Minutes.

A decade ago on this day my friend Chuck died. I wrote about it here a year ago. It is barely believable to me that it has been 10 years since I saw his face or heard his voice. Time is a funny thing...and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it to.

Lots has happened in my life in 10 years...some things Chuck would have been proud of and some of them not so proud. But he would have stood by me no matter what cheering me on or helping me see where I went wrong.

I still don't understand why he is gone and I still wish he was here. I don't expect those things will ever change...and that is okay.

Magnificent Mama Moments

Ahhhhhhhh...I love days like today. Days where things come together in ways I could never predict. Serendipitous moments that overflow with joy and make me feel as if contentment is oozing from my pores. Yummy days that I want to savor for a long time but, like every other day, they slip away into the darkness of night bringing the uncertainty of tomorrow.

But for right now I'm basking in the glow from this glorious day, smiling a peaceful smile and sighing the good kind of sigh. Maybe the 2 things that happened today will seem insignificant to you, o reader of my blog...but to me they are what life is all about these days. Allow me to share...

Both things happened at the pool. All summer I have been gently encouraging Annie to take her deep water test, which consists of swimming the length of the pool and treading water for 30 seconds. I knew she could do it - but that's not what's important in this scenario...she had to know it for herself. Once she passes the deep water test she can swim anywhere in the pool on her own and go off of the diving board. I can remember going off of the diving board in my youth...over and over again and every single time screaming "mom, watch me!"...I knew Annie would love it. So when we arrived at the pool tonight at half past six and we were pretty much the only ones there Annie said..."hey this might be a good night for me to take my deep water test"...I can only hope my mouth wasn't hanging open too long!

So off she went down the pool, 25 meters in all. She rocked it out! She even had to contend with the massive vacuum cleaner they were using at the time and it didn't really phase her one bit. She rested for a moment and then hopped in the deep end for her treading water. Piece of cake I'll tell you! I was bursting with pride...I felt like she had just won the gold medal of life! She faced her fear and slaughtered that beast. She went off of the diving board for the rest of the time we were at the pool...we may never see her in the shallow end again!

A while later, Lucy and I were goofing around in the shallow end and that is when the next moment happened. Lucy swam over to me and threw her arms around my neck...for some reason I didn't say "don't hang on me" which is a mantra of mine at the pool. I'm glad I didn't. Lucy leaned around and said to me "the meaning of love". I said "what is the meaning of love baby girl?" She said " you are the meaning of love mama"...my heart melted into a puddle right then and there. I have never heard such words of sweetness in my life.

What she couldn't possibly know is that she is the meaning of love. Lucy and her brother and sister are the meaning of the love that God has given Alex and I. They are the contents of the most beautiful gift ever created...a gift I couldn't have dreamed up in a lifetime spent dreaming.

Some days are like masterpieces and today was one of those.

Telephone Pole Wisdom

My kids love reading flyers on telephone poles. Recently there were flyers plastered all over our neighborhood about Rufus, a cat that had gone missing. We actually met and talked to his owner one evening as she was combing the streets looking for the little beast who had managed to escape from his home. A few days later we saw more flyers expressing gratitude because Rufus had been found! We breathed a collective sigh of relief (the girls because the frisky feline had been caught...and Alex and I because we wouldn't have to hear about Rufus 24/7 any longer!). The relief was short lived though, within 10 days there was yet a third set of flyers saying Rufus (apparently the Houdini of cats) had disappeared again. Thankfully, even the girls were growing tired of the saga and lost interest in Rufus and his plight. We haven't heard anything more about the little guy...so either he is still lost or his owners have maxed out their xerox budget for the year.

One evening as we were walking around reading the Rufus flyers one of the kids commented about all of the staples on the telephone pole. As I walked by I saw them...literally thousands of staples all over the pole. I found myself wondering about all of the signs that must have decorated the pole and all of the people who put them there. Signs no doubt for missing animals, yard sales, no parking, and Penelope's baby shower. Signposts that lead us somewhere, give us direction, seek to find what is lost and on and on. Little pieces of life stuck to a wooden tower.

So the signs get ripped down to make room for new ones, but the staples remain. A little scrap of metal left to testify that Rufus was lost, found and lost again. That 65 Elm street had a "monster" yard sale with "baby items, furniture and knick knacks". That the police department says you cannot park here from midnight until noon for the community day parade. Little bits of metal that represent people's lives - left on that pole for how long? Who knows?

I wonder what sort of marks are left on my life by events and people? Of course some are quite obvious but others not so much. What sorts of things shape us and give texture to our person? Marks that transform us from a smooth wooden tower into a monument to humanity. Little bits of people and experiences that hang on after the people are gone and the experiences are over.

What are those things in your life?

Two Words: A Mazing!

I had an experience with my children this week that blew me away. On Monday Alex and some of the students from church participated in The 30 Hour Famine After sleeping over at the church Monday night they went to the World Vision Distribution Center just outside Pittsburgh to pack clothing to be sent all over the world to people in need. Alex and I decided this might be a good way for us ti introduce the idea of serving in a more global sense to our own children. It was for a short period of time and we are familiar with the setting, so we knew they would be safe.

So Tuesday morning we met up with the group at church and headed out. When we arrived and got oriented we began the process of unpacking, checking, recounting and repacking boxes of clothes to send out. We didn't assign tasks to our kids we let them check everything out and figure out where they fit best. Here are some pictures of the results.

They all found a niche and worked their hearts out. Annie put together almost all of the boxes we packed. She had the volunteer coordinator show her how to do it once and she was off. Lucy lent a hand wherever she was needed, most often cleaning up trash or breaking down boxes for recycling. And then there was Jack...he sat on the table we were all standing around and took shirts out of their bags and ripped their tags off, which had to be done before they could be repackaged. His diligence and concentration amazed me...he is 3!!! There was no complaining, there was no whining. They even pushed the rest of us to get back to work after our break time. They worked hard for three hours and had a great time doing it.

It has long been a desire of mine and Alex's to involve our children in meaningful service from a young age...I admit I didn't think that would happen for another few years. I am glad that I was wrong. We are hoping to make volunteering at World Visions Distribution Center a regular part of our lives and we're also hoping that it opens all of our eyes to the very great needs that exist all around the globe.

Placing My Eggs In A Basket

I have decided to support Barack Obama in his bid for the presidency. I have joined his website and started a blog there. Here is a copy of my first post.

(I know politics can be a polarizing issue - please know these are my views and I respect the right of everyone to have their own views. I welcome your views even if they diverge from mine - I love the chance to learn from others and to have my stances challenged.)

It isn't without some fear that I enter into the unknown (to me) world of the Democratic party. For all of the 19 years I have been a registered voter it has been as a Republican (and truth be told I haven't officially changed yet...but I have decided to). As that naive 18 year old I didn't bother to ask myself why I chose that party. It was the party of my parents, and on the "hot button" topics I fell down on the conservative side.

Back then I was willing to be a single issue voter - I was young and idealistic - and I didn't realize that voting on one issue alone was incredibly short sighted and hypocritical. So I voted for someone who was against abortion - but they were also against legislation that helped the poor. How could I be so concerned with only the unborn...to the exclusion of the living? Viewing the world through the eyes of a college freshman, I couldn't see the disparity in my thinking...or maybe I just didn't want to.

Looking back, I can see that the transformation has been slow and deliberate. Different circumstances coming together to open my eyes to issues at home and abroad that challenged my views. Relationships with real people who were being oppressed by the policies in place. Realizing that the "American Dream" was reserved for the few rather than the many. All of these things plus more helped to lift the veil from my eyes so I could see that I was now in the wrong place.

Compassion matters...and the whole compassionate conservative thing has never really taken flight. People matter...and I can no longer align myself with a political party that seems to value the wealthy above the poor and executive privilege above openness and honesty in leadership. Peace matters...and as the most powerful nation in the world we must have peace as a core value...it cannot be optional.

So why Barack Obama you may ask? Because when I looked at his Issues page ( Link ) I knew he was someone who I could believe in. I believe he will be honest...even when he has to do hard things. I believe he cares about America and it's people and I believe he will do what he can to help the marginalized, oppressed, and downtrodden. That's why Barack Obama gets my support...his policies and points of view have earned it.

What I learned on My Summer Vacation

Whew! It is hard to believe that this time last week my mom, the kids and I were driving through Washington DC trying to catch a glimpse of the White House. Post 9-11, you cannot get near the place in a car and the kids are a little too young for the complete walking tour. But we caught the most popular view from Constitution Avenue and Annie was satisfied. We also say the Capitol and the Washington Monumnet. I'm so lucky that I grew up there and got to see all of those things and all of the great museums as a kid.

We had a wonderful trip. We visited with old friends in Bethesda, MD and then with family in Fredricksburg and Williamsburg, VA. All in all it was a good time and fun was had by all. I thought I would share with you some lessons I learned on the journey.

1. The south is HOT...sweltering...sticky...inhumane...and I am a wussy northener. I couldn't believe how hot it was. When it is 103 with 95% humidity...I'm calling it a day. Give me some AC or a cool pool and it's all good but other than that I'm melting and so are my kids. No sir, I was not created for that kind of heat.

2. The beginnings of our country were both heroic and tragic. We had a chance to visit both Colonial Williamsburg and the Jamestown Settlement and we all loved it. It was so wonderful for the kids and me to see so much about how people lived back in those days...it was a simpler time without many of the things that distract us today (you know blogs and whatnot). The Jamestown settlers came over to this country as a business venture...not seeking freedom of any sort. They made a heroic journey under troubling conditions and really helped to form the basis for our government and rule of law. Unfortunately, in the process they also disenfranchised the native Americans and introduced slavery...two of the most tragic outcomes possible from their arrival.

3. Parenting styles are as unique as the individual. I spent time with several different mamas on my trip and each of them are wonderful and very different. Some are high strung, some are laid back...some are controllers, some are go with the flow types...some are into a lot of structure and some aren't. It's hard when your kids are used to one style of life...and you throw them into another one. And I think it is harder if, like my kids, they are used to a more free and laid back lifestyle and they enter into a more structured one. My kids did alright, I think...and I know it is crucial for them to be exposed to all different kinds of life.

4. There is a security in family that is unmatched. We visited with my cousin Norman and his awesome wife Carolyn. Carolyn and I were pregnant together (I with my first and she with her last) and we have been close ever since. Norman is in the military and they have lived all over the world...but now they are back in the states and we have gotten to see them for extended periods the last 2 summers. It felt like an extended version of home being with them...it was easy to talk and just hang out and be myself. Though she and I are very different - I wasn't worried about the differences becasue I love her and I knew that I would be welcomed and accepted.

5. Single parents are amazing. Now technically I wasn't really single parenting becasue there were always others around to lend a hand. But all of the care for the three kiddos was on me and it was tiring and draining emotionally. I cannot imagine living that life full time and not having anyone around to help out.

6. My kids are awesome. They behaved so well (for the most part) and got along well with all of the other kids they encountered. The girls were really interested in Jamestown and loved the tour my aunt gave them (she works there) - even though it was a million degrees...did I mention the heat? :) I had so much fun being with them and we laughed a lot!

7. I missed my man like MAD! Alex goes away for a few weeks each year but usually for shorter durations. This was the longest I have been away from him in 6 years and I really missed him. Because of time differences and his schedule we really didn't get to talk for any good length of time. We touched base several times a day but never had a conversation that amounted to more than the basics. I am aching for him to be home (he should be here in about an hour!!!) and in my arms again.

8. God is good. I had a lot of anxiety about this trip. I wanted everyone to be safe and happy. I thrive on my routine and I knew that would be interrupted completely on this trip. But God is faithful and unchanging and He walked with me each step of the way.

It's always so good to come home and be able to look back on a time away with a smile and good memories. I'm grateful for what an amazing opportunity this trip was...and I'm glad to be home again.

Rule Maker or Rule Breaker???

Alex and I are in a small group made up of 6 couples (including us) from our church. We met last night and in the midst of our time together we had an interesting conversation. We were talking about parenting styles and personal preferences...and that led to some people classifying themselves as rule lovers, while others...okay just me and Alex, placed themselves into the rule hater category. (big shock huh?)

I grew up in a house with a lot of rules. There were rules about how to answer the phone, how to make a bed, how to clean a room etc. I remember getting soap in my mouth for calling one of my brother's friends a "jive turkey". It was the 70's for goodness sake...that was slang in all it's perfection. For the most part I followed the rules...even though in my mind I thought they were fairly pointless. I was told to obey authority...all of the time...without question. I didn't care to rock the boat back then...but now it's my boat and I call the shots.

It's not that I don't think rules can be valuable, because I do. I believe kids work well within boundaries but I confess that I think most people's boundaries are way too strict. In the midst of our conversation last night I expressed surprise that some kids respond well to the whole "well, those are the rules" thing from their parents. One of the folks in our group made the observation that my kids are "challenging". At first I was hurt and a little mad but the more I thought about it the more glad I became.

My kids ask questions. My kids tell me when they don't think something is fair. My kids won't blindly follow anyone. My kids don't run and tell on each other or their friends. My kids (for the most part) work out the issues they have with others. My kids seem to be more concerned with people than with the rules. And for ALL of that I'm glad.

I try to teach them to be respectful...but I also tell them it is okay to disagree with people in charge. I try to tell them that when they disagree it is okay to speak up as long as they do it in a kind way whenever possible. My kids disagree with me a lot...and sometimes they are right. I'm not afraid of them disagreeing with me - I welcome it. I want them to see the world in ways that empower them to speak up. Because if they do it now and find their voice then my hope is that later in life they will use that voice to speak up for people who have no voice...even if that means breaking some set of rules society puts forth.

I wouldn't call my kids challenging - I would call them free spirits. I would say they aren't ready to fit into any one's mold of what they should be. In my world kids should be seen and heard and listened to and taken seriously. After all I'm not raising children I am raising adults and the kind of people I hope they grow up to be will question authority with respect, speak out on behalf of the oppressed, and have a ton of fun on the process.

So what are you? A rule maker or a rule breaker? A rule lover or a rule hater? And if you are also a parent how has that influenced your parenting?

Forgiveness...Reconciliation...Repentance...etc

*Big sigh*

These topics are heavy on my heart right now for a lot of reasons. I cannot imagine the joy we would always find in relationships if sin didn't exist. I long for that joy in some relationships in my life that are broken. But I don't have hope for some of them. Am I wrong in that?

What is necessary for forgiveness? An apology? Some proof that things have changed? Enough time passed for the hurt to heal? Or is it just a willing heart that is led by God to forgive? I just don't know. Of course I do believe that God can enable us to forgive when we could not do it alone but I have been wondering lately if forgiveness and reconciliation always go hand in hand.

Is there wisdom in reconciling a relationship that has been detrimental to you? Should we re-enter a relationship that has been abusive - emotionally, verbally, physically etc. - if there seems to be an earnest change in the abuser? I have to say that I don't think so.

I don't think that forgiveness automatically leads to reconciliation... and I don't think it necessarily should. Forgiveness is important, whether or not it is asked for. Forgiveness is a letting go of the anger, resentment, and bitterness that destroys us, that keeps us from God. Forgiveness is so freaking hard - and I'm not very good at it. Reconciliation is even harder...because it is hard to know which relationship should be reconciled.

My heart is hurting right now and I would love to hear some of your responses to all of this.

True Confessions

I've been telling myself for years now that, politically speaking, I am a moderate. I have known for a long time that the word Republican found on my voter ID card no longer fits me. I'm not ashamed of that word or of many of the positions I used to hold...I view my life as a journey and a process and my personal political awakening has been an important part of that. While I do think that both mainstream parties in America have good things to say, I have to admit I'm no longer a moderate. I'm a democrat - tried and true. That isn't to say I agree with everything in the Democratic party's platform - there are several areas where the platform and I diverge...but I can no longer ruin and hide from the fact that I'm much more liberal than conservative in a political sense. If you want the specifics of how that plays out for me on the issues then feel free to ask.

One thing I can say without reservation is that I am one million percent against the war in Iraq. Before I go any further I want to be sure you understand that I support the people who are fighting this war...I support the troops and their families. I also love the USA and am tremendously grateful to live here and have the freedom my citizenship affords me. However, this war is based on lies and deception and has been from the beginning. I feel crushed under the weight of the reports of our soldiers and innocent Iraqis being killed every single day. I am grieved to see and hear the parents, wives and children of our fallen heroes as they wonder why. I wonder why as well. Why are we there? Why are people dying? Why aren't we getting Osama Bin Laden?

This is no longer about 9/11/2001. We aren't supposed to be the world's police force. We have become the bully on the grade school playground. In the next election please don't let yourself be swayed by pictures of 9/11. They will pull on all of our heartstrings...that was a terrible day and the people who orchestrated it should be hunted down and held responsible. But that is not what is happening in Iraq. I hated Saddam Hussein...and I am glad he is no longer in power. But I am not sure his capture and death was worth the devastation we have wrought in that country.

Here is a song by Pink called Dear Mr. President. It is harsh in some places - harsher than I would be...but there are some though provoking and meaningful sentiments in it as well. Please listen and don't allow your ideology to get in the way.

And please pray for peace.

100 Things...

My dear friend Liz had this on her blog. She got it from her friend here.

Enjoy.



"I have lived.."

1. in 15 different houses (not including dorms in college) in my 37 years.
2. with the man of my dreams for 7 years, 356 days.
3. in the city and died in the suburbs.
4. for 5 glorious days on Martha's Vineyard...on my honeymoon!
5. with some very big secrets.
6. through my parent's divorce - even though I thought I would die.
7. in the light of God's love.
8. in Maryland, New York, Connecticut and Pennsylvania.
9. in a third story walk up when I was pregnant with my first child!
10. since the 1960's (okay well the very end of 1969 but that was the 60's!).

"I have witnessed..."

1. the beauty of my children's birth.
2. a rainstorm of shooting stars.
3. the tragedy of 9/11.
4. the coming together that tragedy can bring.
5. the powerful moving of God's Holy Spirit.
6. the peaceful death of my Grandmother.
7. my kids doing the "nakey" dance.
8. the power of motherhood.
9. fierce determination of love.
10. everyday miracles.

"I have heard..."

1. my husband say "I do".
2. the beauty of my children's first cry.
3. my inner voice of criticism.
4. my inner voice of love.
5. my babies call me mama.
6. my father tell me he is proud of me.
7. James Taylor in concert close to 10 times.
8. the inaudible call of God in my heart.
9. the Dora the Explorer theme song more times than anyone should.
10. the silence of death.

"I have lost..."

1. my mind on occasion.
2. my keys practically everyday.
3. the same pounds over and over again.
4. my passion for God - more than once.
5. my self confidence.
6. more socks than I can count - what is it with the dryer???
7. my innocence and optimism.
8. my best friend.
9. track of time when blogging!
10. the ability to fake it when I am mad, hurt, angry etc.

"I have found..."

1. God's grace really IS amazing.
2. a child's honesty to be refreshing.
3. that it DOES take a village to raise a child.
4. my passion for God - over and over again.
5. that motherhood is likely the most powerful force in nature.
6. spring after winter is the best gift in the world.
7. that diamonds are really sparkly and nice.
8. that to have a good marriage you must work at it.
9. the world is a seriously messed up place.
10. laughter is often the very best medicine.

"I love..."

1. Jesus - more than I can ever say.
2. my husband - more and more each day.
3. my children - with a love that is stronger than death.
4. my mother - with a grateful heart.
5. being a mother - more than I ever imagined I could.
6. Phish Food ice cream.
7. my engagement and wedding rings.
8. crawling into bed at night.
9. making love.
10. caffeine free diet coke.

"I can..."

1. hang a spoon from my nose and then flip it into my mouth.
2. pop most of my joints out of place and back in again.
3. go from zero to bitch in less than 10 seconds.
4. be the most devoted and loyal friend in the world.
5. teach my kids how to read and write.
6. try and see Jesus in everyone.
7. usually see both sides of a situation.
8. construct a three point argument in my head before the fight has begun.
9. forgive but not forget.
10. love until it hurts and then keep on loving.

"I loathe..."

1. the "isms"...racism, sexism, ageism, and on and on.
2. the ever widening gap between rich and poor.
3. the stigma in being different from the norm.
4. coffee of any flavor - you can dress it up but it still tastes bad.
5. spanking of children.
6. the awful lighting in dressing rooms - can't they work on that?
7. shaving my pits and legs.
8. brussel sprouts - ew.
9. WAR.
10. seeing my children in any kind of pain.


"I hope..."

1. that the war ends soon and that our men and women come home.
2. that we have good choices for the next President.
3. that I can begin to live as a real disciple of Jesus.
4. that my mom lives forever.
5. that my marriage gets better and better and better.
6. that my children grow up to be free thinkers and to love God and themselves.
7. that serving others as a way of life catches on like wildfire.
8. that my friend's post partum depression eases up really soon.
9. that my life will be authentic and inviting.
10. that I still make someone proud.


"I am trying..."

1. to broaden my horizons.
2. to be better at recycling.
3. to raise my children in a gentle and non-punitive environment.
4. to love more freely than I have in the past.
5. to educate my children about the plight of people around the globe.
6. to be a responsible inhabitant of the earth.
7. to be more consistent in prayer.
8. to perfect my pizza crust.
9. to be less judgemental.
10. to knit the perfect hat.

Living God's Way - Part 2

Have you ever had a week that started out so well and ended in the crapper? A week where though you had high hopes at the beginning you knew it wasn't going to turn out well at all? I have.

But none of my good to bad weeks can compare with the week Jesus had all those years ago...when he began the week entering Jerusalem triumphantly, people bowing to him and treating him like royalty...and ended the week in the grave, paying the price for our sins. Now that is a week that just sucks.

Today is Maundy Thursday the day when we remember Christ's last meal, his last time hanging out with His friends (and enemy), his last moments to teach the men who would carry His message into the world. I feel for the disciples - they had no clue what was about to happen to their lives. Knowing Jesus truly wrecked their lives forever - and I mean that in good and bad ways.

Has knowing Jesus wrecked your life? I ask myself that question often - sort of as a way to measure my levels of being in or of the world. I know we are called to be in the world and not of the world...but sometimes those lines get very blurry to me. I didn't begin a transformational relationship with Jesus until I was 16 and I spent all the years before that being of the world. I allowed the world to shape my views and thoughts and actions. And that is a mighty huge tide to turn. I know God is big and amazing and all of that but so is the power of self and society. It has been a fierce battle sometimes for my allegiance and attention. I so badly want to give it all to God but then there are these voices and vices and they call to me. (not in an audible, I hear voices sort of way)

There are things that I long for that aren't of God...sometimes more than I long for the things that are of God. I mean I want to be wise and compassionate and patient but sometimes I want more to be right and powerful and adored. It's a struggle like none I've ever known - the struggle to constantly die to myself and live for God.

Tonight I will sit in church after partaking in the Eucharist and I will listen and watch as psalms are read and the altar is stripped in preparation for Good Friday. I will remember the accounts of what Jesus did on this night - how he took his closest friends with him to a garden and asked them to keep watch and pray for Him. How he prayed to God that there be some other way to accomplish the goal other than the brutal torture and death he was about to endure. How He came out to find his friends asleep - and how very alone that must have felt. I will sit there as the church grows darker and darker and realize that for a moment the powers of that darkness thought they might win. I will meditate upon the feelings that must have coursed through the fully divine and fully human Jesus - feelings of fear, anger, loneliness and pain. I will ask God to, once again, break my heart with the power of His love - the very love that sent Jesus to Calvary - the very love that has the power to change the world - the very love that has wrecked my life.

Living God's Way - Part 1

A few weeks ago in church, during the prayers of the people, I heard something I have not been able to get out of my head. The priest saying the prayers prayed the following: “Forgive us for our failure to act like Your (God) holy people and grant us the courage to be different.” I have been thinking so much about those two statements and my mind has been left spinning on more than one occasion as I contemplate the implications of what they could really mean. Even now my mind is racing with the thoughts I want to share. My fingers cannot move fast enough…I fear I won’t get it all out.

It’s true, in modern day America, we Christians fail miserably at living as people belonging to the one true God…holy and set apart by Him for a special purpose. What purpose is that? Going out into the world and making disciples of all nations – exactly what Jesus commanded us before He went back to be with the Father. It’s become a game almost of trying to figure out the “right” way to tell people about Jesus. We have biker ministry, sports ministry, urban ministry, suburban, ministry, working women’s ministry, stay at home mom ministry, and the list goes on and on and on. We are broken down into tiny groups that seem to fit our needs. But when did Christianity become about fitting into our needs? How is the gospel message any different for any of those groups? We fret and fear that if we don’t have a way to relate to a certain group of people we won’t possibly be able to reach them. Well news flash, WE aren’t doing the reaching. WE aren’t doing the saving. WE aren’t doing much of anything as long as we are convinced that there needs to be a certain atmosphere or music or style in order to get the message of Christ died and risen across to people.

I’m guilty of this in so many ways and I am really trying to figure out how to make sense of it all. I do think there are better and worse ways to reach people – but does that take power away from God and give it to the lighting in our youth room? I tend to cast judgment on the in your face, handing out tracts, street corner type of ministry. I don’t think that is they best way to reach people. But lately I wonder if I am too concerned with making people feel comfortable…about making their experience of God so comfortable that life WITH God hardly seems different that life WITHOUT God. I shake my head as I consider all of the mile wide and inch deep Christians I know and yet, as part of the establishment that has helped create them, I feel a keen sense of responsibility. In many ways I think the blame for the failure to live as God’s holy people rests squarely on the shoulders of the church. We can boo-hoo all we want to about society and how devoid of God it is. We can cry rivers about the influence the media and entertainment industry has on society. We can wring our hands over the push towards self-reliance in our world and the quest for peace that turns to all kinds of remedies that don’t stand a chance of working. But until we realize that there is nothing new under the sun we don’t stand a chance of turning the tide. God has seen it all before, we aren’t so much worse off then some of the cultures in the time of Jesus.

So what now? In many ways I have no freaking idea. The thoughts to follow are a rough first draft – born out of thought and prayer and a heart that is really trying to discern what God is saying.

Jesus spent the majority of his life out of public ministry. I wonder so much about those first 30 years. I wonder about the ways God was prepping him for the work that lay ahead…I wish we knew more about it. One thing I am sure of is that it had to involve a lot of prayer and fellowship with the Father. In our drive thru, photos in an hour, pizza there in 30 minutes or less world it is hard to imagine a life dedicated to prayer. It is hard for us to plan time in our day for prayer that lasts longer than a few moments. Many days I fall into bed thinking, “well at least I prayed before all of my meals”. How pathetic is that? My life is full and it is busy but that is NO excuse. It is my responsibility as a child of God to build in time for prayer. How can I possibly know the Father without it? I can I even hope to live as one of His holy people if I am not in fellowship with Him. (and fellowship that is deeper than “hey, thanks for the chicken”) So number one on my list of how to live as God’s holy people is prayer. Prayer that changes us. Prayer that allows God to reach into our lives and speak His truth. I don’t begin to know what that looks like, but if we ask I’m sure God will show us.


While I think most of the other ways to live a holy and different life will spring from time spent in prayer I do think that there are a couple of other things that are clear from scripture. We need to care for the people that are close to the heart of God. The people Jesus mentions more than any other in the Gospels are the poor…and it cannot be by accident. The poor in this country (we’ll leave the rest of the world out of it for now…that will come later) need us. They don’t need the government they need the church. They need us to take seriously the words of Jesus and move into action. I just don’t see how it is negotiable for Christians. And writing a check isn’t enough, as I’ve said before…throwing money at the poor isn’t the way to solve the problem.

We also need to cut off our love affair with stuff. Stuff love is a death sentence spiritually speaking. I’m as guilty as anyone else when it comes to this. Sometimes stuff brings me comfort and helps me feel better – but I don’t want that false sense of comfort anymore. I listen to people talking about getting a better computer when the one they have is more than sufficient…getting a more powerful iPod or cell phone or PDA when the ones they have are just fine. I watch the way I desire stuff not only for myself but also for my children and then I am ashamed of the example I am setting for them. I can rationalize it saying that it isn’t for me…but it is. We have to stop. We don’t need newer, better and more. Our closets are bulging, our world is overloaded with garbage, and our souls are suffering a slow death…one that is barely noticeable until we are really bad off. It isn’t worth it – you know it and I know it.

Okay, that is enough for now. My mind isn’t spinning quite so fast anymore. I seek your thoughts on all of this…I welcome them regardless of where you fall down on these issues. Peace.